Why would anyone want a smart fridge? | Dave Schilling

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After a hack in France, internet-enabled appliances are looking even less appealing – especially before the holidaysWe are deep into the holiday season now, past Halloween and a…

After a hack in France, internet-enabled appliances are looking even less appealing – especially before the holidays

We are deep into the holiday season now, past Halloween and a mere two weeks away from American Thanksgiving.

I’ve already given up taking care of my body, surrendering fully to gluttony, vices, and going to bed at 7pm because it’s pitch black outside. I’ve begun to hibernate like a slothful bear, my blanket and pillow never too far from my grasp. The only thing closer to my hands than my bedsheets is a slice of cold pizza. I just want to eat in peace, thank you very much.

Grocery retailers are keen to take advantage of holiday-related binge eating, developing and releasing ever-more-depraved festive novelty foods to subdue us into carb-induced slumber.

In the UK, Marks & Spencer is expected to unleash hoards of weird, miniature packages of comical junk, affectionately known as “picky bits”, to prevent your digestive system from ever idling into park. “Ham and Barber’s Cheddar Crumpets”. “Twelve Mini Chicken Kyivs”. “British Melton Mowbray pork pie”. These dishes either sound like a thing a tertiary character orders in a Harry Potter novel or the last meal of a 60s British gangster.

In America, we have Trader Joe’s. There’s no fun name like “picky bits” for the plastic tubs of slop they sell in the refrigerator section. Instead, we turn to our spouses and partners and mumble: “Pick me up some of that crap.” Toffee-flavored cheddar cheese. Pumpkin spice yogurt dip. An advent calendar … for dogs.

I don’t begrudge anyone for cramming their shopping carts with intentionally whimsical perishable food products for depressed people. Overeating is a better use of your hibernation time than drunk-driving into an Arby’s at 2am. This is a holiday rite of passage: the junk food gauntlet. It’s as crucial to the festive season as a decorated tree and a surplus of good cheer.

But what if I told you that with the press of a button, the entire picky bits industrial complex…

I…

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