Why I’ve always refused counselling and antidepressants – even when I shouldn’t

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I’ve only ever seen a counsellor once in my long life, and that was when I was in hospital after the spinal operation two years ago that marked the end of my ability to walk. Id…

I’ve only ever seen a counsellor once in my long life, and that was when I was in hospital after the spinal operation two years ago that marked the end of my ability to walk. I’d been overheard (not difficult, as – always the diva – I wailed it at the top of my voice) saying that I didn’t want to live any longer in a wheelchair. I remember finishing off the performance by throwing a box of tissues to the floor, so you’ll note that we were very much in “Ooo, I could crush a grape!” territory here.

The lunch bell rang shortly after. I was a big fan of hospital food, and perked up greatly. I was playing in my medical bed, making it go up and down, quite restored to my general good humour, when a man appeared. I wouldn’t know him if I passed him in the street today, which is perhaps quite remarkable, as I did with him something I’ve never done with any other human. I had counselling!

I didn’t do it because I thought that it would help me in any way. I’d been offered it before, over my previous two months in hospital (I would spend five months in all inside). I did it because it was an hour before my husband’s visit and I was at a loose end; there’s only so many times you can make a bed go up and down and keep feeling ineffable delight. I also did it because I’ve been a show-off all my life, and the showboating ops in a rehabilitation hospital are few and far between.

So I took time to deliver my answer to questions about everything from my parents (very good) and my feelings about being a paraplegic (very bad). It was only when I spied the clock showing 10 minutes to Visiting Time that I decided to wrap things up: “For further information, you can find my Desert Island Discs on BBC Sounds,” I said in what was a rather more brisk tone than I had aimed for. “Recorded in 2013, but I still stand by everything I said. Thank you so much for your time and attention – but I’m really not the suicidal type.”

It sounds rude, but it sums up well my attitude to counselling; when I’ve…

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